One of the best things about extending my family is bringing new life into this world and giving them all that I have to offer including love. I may not have the ideal situation, but I’m happy and if I’m happy and my children are well taken care of nothing else should really matter.
Let me tell y’all, being a girl mom is LIT! When I found out I was pregnant again I was scared to death, and I had every reason to be. I was holding on to the promises the girls dad was making me and boy why did I do that! By the time the second month came, I could see that we were headed towards disaster. Despite everything I was going through with him, I only looked forward to one thing and that was having the boy I desired. Even though that wasn't the case, I was happy to know I was having my third girl. They say if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans and the Lord knows I know nothing about raising a boy to be a man, but I certainly know how to raise a girl to be a woman. I knew how people would feel and what they would say when they learned I was pregnant by him again so I kept my pregnancy as quiet as I could. Please don’t get the wrong idea, I would never intentionally cross my daughters’ father out, but we struggle at coparenting and at times, I get tires of trying. Despite the desires I have for him and our children, I must remember I am not in control and hopefully one day he will allow the Lord to shape him into the father he needs to be. Even though he is around at times, I am still forced to move and handle things as if it’s just me and any mother walking in my shoes know this weight is a heavy one to carry.
Once again, I had to rearrange my whole life and I had to provide just the right amount of “balance,” so all my children could feel equally important, wanted, and loved. I may have made things harder for myself by backsliding, but I have no room to hang my hat there, so I must move forward and prepare for the best. I look forward to doing all the girly things mothers get to do with their daughters. I want to take girl trips and have shopping sprees and build the best bond I possibly can with my girls. I miss the things I used to do with my mom and grandma, and I look forward to sharing those values and experiences with my children. I want to be the best mother I possibly can be, but I must learn to stop making decisions that I know aren’t beneficial to me at all.
I take pleasure in learning who my girls are. My oldest daughter is a little rough around the edges so doing things I envisioned us doing like purse shopping and getting our nails done are out of the picture. I will say this though, she loves going out to eat and catching a movie here and there and I’m all for it! My middle child is nothing but a ball of life, everyone knows when my love bug is in the building. My daughter makes it known what she does and doesn’t want and she’s feisty. She loves to play fight with her sister and cuddle when you least expect it, she’s my wild child and I enjoy seeing her evolve. When it comes to my third child, I am eager to see who and what she will become.
Being a girl mom does have its ups and downs, I do bump heads with my oldest daughter who is thirteen because at times, she really tries to challenge me and that’s what we WON’T have. She does try to see how far I will go before I snap but that’s something I will talk about later. I enjoy the moments that I share with her and just as I am teaching her, she is teaching me. I enjoy seeing her and my two-year-old fuss and play fight around the house and I cherish seeing them grow together. I have a special bond with each of them but with my middle child, we have a bond that is very dear to me.
People always ask why I treat Aniya a certain way and it’s something they will never understand. I was born out of wedlock, and I didn’t meet my dad until I was seventeen and it affected me in many ways. Before I got pregnant with her, her dad would always say, “If you get pregnant, you’re good, I got you.” Words can sound so convincing until actions come into play because one year later, I was pregnant, and she was rejected by him. I know exactly what that feels like so with her I love on her differently. I can never take his place, nor do I want to, but I can love our daughter enough for the both of us and so…I do. Even now when he comes around, I can see the disconnect between them and it worries me for her sake. We now have our second child together and I’m hoping he can pull it together for his daughters. It’s not about me, it’s not about us but them and I’ve learned my place in allowing that to happen. Being and knowing that you are not valued in a certain way is not a good place to be in, especially when it’s by a parent. I don’t want my girls growing up knowing this about their father which is why I’m so tough on him when it comes to their relationship. Even though things are rocky and seems so uncertain, I must have faith in him. I must believe that God will turn things around and our children will know the beauty of having their dad in their life.
I would like to say to every mother out there balancing the scales of multiple children, I see you and you got this! Even if you have all the support you need, or little to no support at all, still enjoy the moments you have growing with your children. There is so much joy in seeing our kids grow, hearing them laugh and teaching them about the ways of this world. If you do nothing else, cherish it all because as they grow, it’ll be a memory that we can only hold dear to our hearts. Peace.
Beautifully written